


I'm Not Drunk Enough For This

by DelilahUnknown



Category: Fable (Video Games), Fable - Fandom, Fable 3 (Video Game)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Drunkenness, Hangover, Humor, Oneshot, Side Quests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22816039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DelilahUnknown/pseuds/DelilahUnknown
Summary: She didn't realize the quest she accepted was more than she could handle. Her pride, her confidence shaken. She could not do what this woman implored. "I need this! I'm sure there's some in Reaver's mansion. Used or washed, I am fine with either. Although I would like used…" Oneshot. Based on a certain quest in the game. I'm sure you can figure out which one.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	I'm Not Drunk Enough For This

**Author's Note:**

> I started this at 2AM when everything is funny and stopped at 6:30am. Now things aren't funny and I am tired. I just wanted to make a small one shot of the idea of the princess not realizing until the last second what mission she was taking on. Because unless you really wanted to dig for Reaver's boxers, I don't think anyone would accept that quest. Especially since the quest appears right after masquerade. Try to kill him, next day jack his boxer's. What? Plus if Reaver knew you took them, whether or not he knew about Benjamina, he would rub it in your face…not rub that other thing—alright I am going to bed. Enjoy. No beta, expect grammar and what not issues. Did my best to catch some.

"…Your highness?" Jasper patted the young lady on the floor of the sanctuary gently, trying his best to prod the Hero awake. He found her asleep near the wall with the dyes, her elegant princess dress on top of her to serve as a blanket. He shook his head at the careless girl. "Please, your highness, wake up. You need to start the day. There's a quest waiting for you at the table." He lightly touched her head, moving stray hair from her eyes.

The princess made a small groan and tried to swat away his hand but ended up hitting her own head. He rolled his eyes and insisted he would make her some coffee to help wake her up and left.

"Stupid balverines, they tried to take my drink…" She pushed herself up half way with one arm, her other hand rubbing at her eyelids. Her eyes narrowly opened, chocolate irises peeking around her surroundings. She realized she was in the clothing area of the sanctuary, but all of the mannequins were knocked over, one was even broke in half. The room was an utter mess. She tried to get up quickly, realizing something must be wrong. Jasper would never let a room have a speck of dust, let alone her clothes thrown across the room and broken mannequins. However her balance seemed to have left her and she leaned on the wall for support. She noticed that she was next to the dye bottles, a few of them spilt over and even one broken glass next to the doorway. She didn't even remember coming back to the sanctuary the night before.

Pain seared through her hand as she tried to remember the night before. Yes, as fuzzy as it was she knew what she did yesterday. Her and Page attended the mask ball Reaver was holding in disguise to rescue Kidd. It nearly ended in failure as she and Page grew tired from playing with the Wheel of Misfortune. Then there was bloody balverines everywhere! She did remember escaping though that was clear, along with Page and Kidd.

Taking steps at a time to reach the doorway to the main room in the sanctuary, the princess did her best to move quickly. She reached for her thigh to grab her pistol to be prepared, but felt nothing but cloth. She looked down and realized she was still wearing the costume they wore to sneak in, except the hat and mask itself. Oddly though her pistol was not on her nor her blade and it made her worry that maybe she was knocked out, thrown in this room while bandits discovered the hide out? No, it couldn't be possible. Growling out of frustration, she nearly reached the arch way of the door so she could get answers.

Another memory came to her, a sting of pain with it, after everything was done Page, Kidd, and her celebrated when they arrived back in Bowerstone Market. Kidd insisted that they get a drink since he had a near death experience; he believed that he was not coming back out of Reaver's mansion alive. It was bad enough he thought he would die in his mansion, he laughed. Page rejected the offer saying that she needed to do work tonight and tomorrow morning. Kidd looked disappointed, but as she left to head back to the Industrial area the princess said she would head down with him to the Cock and The Crown to buy him a drink.

"Really? Even after you know…I almost ordered you dead if it wasn't for Page telling us to stop." He rubbed his stumbling black hair with his hand awkwardly. The princess sighed, "Please, I don't blame you. Someone comes into my hide out I would be on high alert as well. I'm in the mood for a small drink too. That mansion was a bloody nightmare."

He gave an impish smile and they made their way to the tavern. When they arrived it was nearly nightfall and the tavern was full of the people of Bowerstone. There was singing from the bard, drinking contests, and dancing. Her mood was instantly lifted and she removed her ridiculous hat and mask. She considered changing clothes but she could do it later. She sat at the bar and ordered spirits for the two of them. While waiting for their drinks, Kidd asked her jokingly "I thought you said you were in the mood for a small drink?"

The princess gave a small smirk and when the glasses were set in front of them, she quickly downed the glass. Wiping her mouth from excess that slipped from her mouth, she replied "Yeah, this is small to me. Can you handle it?" Kidd grinned and accepted her challenge, downing his glass as well. The bartender stared at the two with a look of disproval, but as many customers he had did, they too would learn to be more careful of their drinks. He started making them another round before the princess asked him to.

It dawned on her that no one was in danger and the Jasper must be safe. She felt guilty for her bad drinking since obviously she wrecked the clothing room in her drunken stupor. Reaching past the archway now, the princess shielded her eyes from the light from the center room. Why did everything have to be so bright? "Jasper?" she called out, her voice a little raspy. "A-are you alright? Did I hurt you? I am so sorry-"

Jasper interrupted her, "No, your highness. Thankfully you disarmed yourself when you came in. You tossed your sword and pistol on to the floor and said you didn't them anymore. Not with your new Will power which you called 'Vortex of Kicking Arse'. Clever title." He stifled a chuckle. In his gloved hands he held a saucer and a steaming cup of coffee waiting for her.

By now her eyes adjusted to the light and she signed, walking over to him slowly before taking the cup of coffee. She leaned on to the table that held a model of Albion on it. "I am still sorry, Jasper. Remind me to never do a drinking contest ever again. My head is pounding. My eyes hurt from the light and ugh..." She took a small sip of her coffee, enjoying the taste instead of the odd taste in her mouth from before.

"Duly noted, your highness. I have something of your mothers that you can borrow before you set out, it should help with your eyes. I shall get started on cleaning up the mess in the other room. But you should know your highness…"

Fear crept in her as she glanced over at him. "Yes? Please don't tell me I made out with Kidd or something."

This time Jasper could not help but utter a chuckle and a smile. "No, but you seemed to have left an impression on the bard there when you took his lute and told him this is how you 'Become the Lute Hero' I believe. It was amusing. No, my dear…you stained your hair when you tried dying the masquerade clothing. It's…purple."

The princess stared at him for a few moments before looking down at herself and seeing blotches of purple and green on what was yellow and orange outfit (still was in certain areas). Then she pulled her long braid so she could see her hair. The braid was messy and frizzed, but indeed it did have purple mixed with her natural brown hair. The bottom half of the braid was entirely purple.

"…How?" She asked, fearing what he would say.

"You thought your hair was a paint brush and then tried to use it to paint the clothes. Then it took too long and you just took the bottle and dipped it all over the clothes."

She simply nodded and turned her eyes back to the model on the table. Her brain was not ready to process the stupidity so she focused on looking for quests.

Jasper headed into the clothing area and began working quickly as possible, even setting out one of the princess's untainted practical outfit. He reached into some drawers and pulled out the sunglasses the previous queen owned.

The princess gazed down at the cities to look around for an easy quest to take on early in the day, especially with a hangover. Her first look was Bowerstone so she wouldn't have to travel far. The first to appear was a quest for a woman named Benjamina. From what it looked like, it seemed to be a simple fetch quest. Hopefully the woman didn't bury something in Mistpeak like so many others from before. The princess never quite understood why citizens hid their things in bizarre areas. She sipped her coffee and targeted the quest. "Alright, let's get this over…" She finished her drink and set it down on the table before stretching her limbs. They ached terribly from sleeping on the floor. She took another note in her head never to do such a thing again, drinking or sleeping on floors.

Her train of thought paused before she edited that thought; don't drink as much. With a nod of satisfaction she marched forward to the clothing room, stumbling only once.

As she walked in, she looked on in wonder. "Jasper, are you sure you're not a Hero of cleaning? By Avo. This is amazing." It was as if the room was never wrecked. Of course, there was one less mannequin since Jasper obviously could not fix such a thing, but the clothes were set up properly. The outfits that were messed up he set in a area to do with later. The dye bottles had been placed properly on the shelf again, but the colors of the ones that were open remained on the wood. That would take some time to clean she knew, including the spot in the carpet from the red dye that was thrown on the floor by her. She placed her palm to her face, shaking in disapproval of herself.

"Jasper, I am so—"

"Nonsense, your highness. The Queen was a much worse when she lost herself in her liquor." He gave her a cheeky grin before returning to his serious expression. "Now I have an outfit prepared for you. It is your practical princess outfit." The princess gave him a questionable look about his choice, but he merely nodded in confirmation. "You will be in Bowerstone today and this outfit is easy to move in as well keep up appearances."

Walking behind the divider to undress and redress she asked him, "How did you know I would choose the Bowerstone quest?"

"Because it is the better option and the only besides meeting back up with Page which I am sure you do not want to do yet." He stated, closing his hands in front of his waist.

After a few moments of silence the princess appeared out from the divider fixing her braid. She ignored the painted bottom hair and knew later she would deal with it. "Do I look decent?"

Jasper nodded. "You look like a little rebel princess trying to make a statement with her hair." The jokes seemed to not desist, but she half-smiled and rolled her eyes. Jasper then reached into his coat pocket and held out the spectacles to her. "Your mother used these on her off days as well...And any other day actually. One of her most favorite choices in accessories."

The princess took the sunglasses and turned them over in her hands, inspecting them. "What are they?"

"Ah your mother found them while she was on some Island. They protect your eyes from light and hide any…abnormalities about them. Stylish as well." He added. He never understood why the queen would wear them when she went out adventuring in caves however. The princess placed them on her nose and ears. Her expression brightened seeing that they did indeed help with the light in the room. Her headache didn't' seem to ache as much now without the light hurting. "Alright, now off to the armory. I assume my weapons are there?" She asked her loyal butler and he nodded.

It was half an hour that the princess finally was back in Bowerstone Market to track down the girl Benjamina and fetch the item she wanted. As she appeared at the center of the shopping area with her faithful collie by her side, she raised her hand to cover her eyes from the sun instinctively, but the sunglasses aided her. After walking in the district for a short time, stumbling every so often as her balance still had yet to return fully and rubbing her sleepy eyes, she found the lady working in the garden in front of her home. The hero yawned before approaching the woman.

"Hello. I hear you are looking for someone to get an item for you." The princess tapped the woman's shoulder lightly to get her attention.

Benjamina turned to glance at her and squeal in delight. The squeal tore at the hero's ears and she tried hard not to break the woman's arm to give her something to actually squeal over. "Ma'm, please control yourself!" the princess took a few steps back from her, but the woman only came closer.

Jasper's voice suddenly appeared in her head "So much for an easy morning, eh?"

"Oh, hello! Oh yes, I've been needing a hero! You see… I have a very dangerous quest for you, but very rewarding. Especially for me. You see I am a big fan of—"

"No need to tell me, I know, I know." The princess heard too much of the time how many people were fans of her mother and herself, the heroine's of Albion. The woman kept talking though and out of annoyance and being tired, the princess tuned out most of it. She glanced down at her nails out of boredom and flicked away from dirt.

"And I really, really, really-" Benjamina added desperately "need this. I will die without it! Well, I mean I am going to die anyway, but I must possess it! Please, tell me you'll accept. Only someone as brave as you can handle such a quest." She added, imploring the young hero before her.

Not really listening to the pleading woman in front of her, the princess yawned and rubbed her eyes again. Maybe she could fit in a nap after this? "I can handle anything, I accept the quest. Now where do I need to go and what is this item you want?" She asked tiredly, leaning her body against the rails of the stairs to the house they were next to. The collie started lying down in the grass, rolling around in it as he waited to see where they were heading.

Benjamina shook her head quickly, and what the princess thought a little crazily, and added "I need this! I'm sure there's some in Reaver's mansion. Used or washed, I am fine with either. Although I would like used…" Her cheeks blushed scarlet. A questioning look spread across the princess's face. "Used or new wha-"

Suddenly she was being pushed away from Benjamina's home by the woman herself. "I can't believe you accepted! Everyone else thought I was crazy, but only a hero would undertake such a task! Return soon!" She waved madly before running into her home, screaming out Reaver's name and slamming her door shut.

"You really didn't hear any of that, did you? Oh, your highness. This is simply horrible…such a lowly task. And gross. Disgusting. Weird. Why? Why would someone want that?" Jasper sounded revolted by whatever the princess seemed to miss. "What are you talking about, Jasper?" She asked him, terrified of the answer. She worried that she accepted some quest that involved something weird like acquiring a hobbe's sweat for perfume or something.

"My dear…you accepted a quest to retrieve Reaver's undergarment's." He said, feeling pity for the young princess he knew since the day she was born.

Every fiber of the princess being tingled, but not with anticipation, not joy, but as if she just kissed a hobbe and she didn't like it, despite what that popular bard was singing last night said for a song. This was humiliating to the highest that she had to return to Reaver's mansion after less than a day to take his underwear.

Used.

Quickly she started gagging, grabbing on the nearby fence and almost began drive heaving. "By Avo! What would be on those trousers?! The smells, the-the stains! I cannot. I cannot do such a task!" She started heading up the stairs to refuse the quest, but Jasper quickly reminded her she already accepted it. She also needed as many followers as possible.

"Even if they are pervert's…" he added quietly.

The princess appeared to the sanctuary, the sunglasses falling down to the bottom of her nose as she looked at Jasper with terror filled eyes.

"What…what if I catch something?"

Never in her life did she imagine the day she would be stealing someone's underwear. Let alone the underwear to the most whorish man of all Albion. Trying to be quick and make the mission painless as possible the moved around the room quickly searching, her dog remaining outside waiting for her. She reminded herself with each minute that she needed followers and that she indeed was a brave hero. Heroes took on any quest!

As she looked through the bedroom, which oddly looked clean and unused, she could not seem to find a pair of Reaver's undergarments. The drawers were mostly empty or had ladies or men's pajamas. Dumbfounded that none of Reaver's clothes were in the master bedroom, she leaned up against a book case looking around.

At first the heroine thought she would have to break into the mansion, but it was strangely unguarded and had no one that she knew of in it. After Reaver's little "party" all she found was some blood on the floor, probably from balverines guests eating his butler and running off with him or something, goblets, and confetti. A few condoms as well she admitted with a shudder. There were no maids cleaning the mess and no Reaver anywhere.

She pulled the sunglasses up on top of her head and rubbed her eyes, trying to stifle a yawn. Leaning against the bookshelf a little more, she let out a startled yell when it began making a strange noise and moving. Quickly she grabbed her pistol and had it aimed at the shelf as a secret passage way was revealed. She lowered the gun a little, taking small steps inside. Her heels clicked against the stone floor and she wished she was wearing her mercenary boots to quiet the noise.

It occurred to her that the passage could lead to possibly more captured civilians for Reaver's enjoyment and she quickened her movement. He could have left them to die, the heartless bastard. Keeping her pistol up as she reached a corridor that was full of paintings of him. The entire mansion had something on the walls of him, but the paintings down here had him cross dressing. Rolling her brown eyes she kept her back to the wall and peered into the new room.

She sighed, knowing now that if anyone was captured down in this hidden room it was probably willing. There were cages in the room, whips on the floor along with rope. She put her pistol away and started venturing around the room in search of his garments. The first drawer she checked on the right side of the bed was literally filled with condoms.

"Oh my…well, at least the bastard protects himself." Shaking her head she left the drawer open and then looked over to the cabinets towards the walls. She began taking quick steps over to check them, but stopped quickly when she heard a scuffle. Looking back at the bed, unmade one unlike the upstairs bedroom, she narrowed her eyes to see where the sound came from. She took a step back to go take a look. Pulling her pistol out again she began readying herself until she noticed that there was some red clothing on the chest in front of the bed.

She rushed over to the chest and to her luck they looked like briefs! Never before she thought she would be so happy to find Reaver's underwear. "I can't believe I missed these. If everything in here wasn't so red I would have a better time looking." She inspected them and was happy to not find any stains, and prayed to the Light that they were clean. "Even his garments are red. Alright, off to see that disturbing woman." Putting her gun back in her holster, she began marching out of the sex room and out of the house.

After she left the mansion and headed back to the sanctuary so she could reach Bowerstone Market quickly, Jasper tried his best to greet her with the success of her mission.

"You have obtained a pair of... Well, what happened was, you managed to acquire... Benjamina wanted... Look, you know what you did. Let's pretend this never happened and get on with it." He sighed, rubbing his temples. She nodded and quickly chose her destination and left, happy to be leaving with no witnesses that saw the panty raid she took part of.

Well, witnesses she knew of anyway.

"My, my…the little princess seems to have a fondness for me. Not that I would blame her." Reaver thought as he pulled himself up from the side of the bed. He patted his white pants and coat off and picked his long hat as well from the floor doing the same. His mouth was a smirk that he could not rid of. If it hadn't seen it himself, he would never believe it, the little princess came down to his chamber searching for his undergarments. He did want to pout that she took his favorite crimson ones as well.

For a moment he thought the princess would discover him, but fortunately she discovered his gloried underwear on top of the chest in front of his bed. Normally he would not hide, but after the previous night's events he assumed Page or one of his 'guests' who might have lived came down for vengeance. He would take them out at a moment's notice, but opportunely waited. He would have been sad to kill the lovely princess and ruining her fun treasure hunting.

Reaver placed his hat upon his glorious head, glancing over at the direction where the secret passage was. If only she stayed, and maybe did not want to kill him, they could have had some fun. He shrugged his shoulders and walked towards the chest she was previously at. Opening it, he smiled as if he was looking at the most beautiful thing in all of Albion.

Which he was. He couldn't leave the mansion without his gold before leaving elsewhere to make his abode for the time being.

"Hello, darlings. Did you miss daddy? Daddy missed you." He cooed the gold before sweeping what he could into a bag.

A few days later...

Sitting upon the throne in the court room, the once princess and now queen leans back into her throne looking at the two people in front of her. Reaver and Page gave their reasons why Bower Lake should or should not be drained for mining. Reaver confidently leaned on his cane, his powdered face smiling. Did that man ever not smile?

Page had her arms crossed, staring at the queen waiting for the ultimatum.

Finally the queen spoke, the room let out a breath from waiting. "I have decided to preserve the lake. Not only is it part of Bowerstone, but it was also part of my mother's journey. I would like to see it treated as a part of history, not a mining facility." Her voice was a little deeper and she stood straight, making her presence all the more open in the room. She had to make sure everyone knew her words were law and hopefully to keep Reaver from making any more mockery comments. The latter did not happen and he made a snarky comment, but accepted defeat with that blasted smile.

The queen watched the room disperse from nobles and people of Albion who attended the judgment except for one. Reaver stayed a good distance from the queen, bowing to her "If I may your majesty have a moment with you?" He asked politely. Walter looked towards the queen and she nodded, letting him excuse himself from the room. If something were to happen, she was more than capable of handling herself. The moment Walter and the other attendee's were gone and the doors were shut, Reaver let himself get closer without much consideration for the queen's space.

"Ah, so much better that we can be ourselves now, right princess?" He said being bold with her. She sighed exasperatedly and rubbed her temple. "What is it Reaver? Please respect my decision regarding the lake." She ignored the fact that he demoted her title, which could be a serious punishment, but being that it was Reaver she made no attempt to correct him or remind him. In front of others he did as society expected.

"Oh, no your majesty. Either decision I am fine with, I lose no money, your treasury does. But you've just been so busy I haven't had a moment's notice with you…I simply wanted to ask a personal question, if I may." He twirled his cane between his fingers as if it was a light weight object and balanced it on one finger, his dark eyes gazing into hers.

Taking a step back in case he made a mistake with playing with his cane, she merely nodded. She was tired and wanted a nap. "Yes, you may. Hurry so I may rest briefly."

"Ah, yes, well it is about the briefs."

The queen suddenly choked on air and looked away from his eyes and that terrible smile that developed into a grin.


End file.
